*written before release of The Force Awakens
In honour of the release of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, I have ranked every Star Wars movie from best to worst. They need no further introduction haha so here we go…
1. Return of the Jedi
– Greatest Star Wars movie and it’s not even close IMO. If Lucas had stuck with the original plan and gone with Wookies instead of fn teddy bears it would have been the greatest movie ever. But even with the Ewoks it is still the best, they weren’t even as bad as I remember. The one Ewok had a great moment creating a distraction so Han and the team could take the shields down and they had some great robot walker kills. The first 45min can’t be touched, Luke’s badassery in Jabba’s palace is my favourite sequence. When you look at the whole thing there is no denial; Ominous opening with Vader and the new Death Star, 3PO and R2 arrive at Jabba’s palace, Han’s rescue, Luke arrives and cleans house, the Rancor, “last mistake you’ll ever make”, Sarlacc Pit, Death of Yoda, kickass speeder chase, Luke vs Vader, best space battle of all time, the death of the Emperor, end of the Empire and the redemption of Anakin. It just doesn’t get better than that. But seriously track down the youtube video that edits the space battle into one big clip and you’ll see why it is the best and gets criminally under-appreciated. The end is a masterpiece with Luke defying the Emperor and then getting punished with Lightning, his screams have the audience begging Vader to do something and what a great moment when he does. Then Vader asking Luke to remove his mask so he can see him one time with his own eyes is just so powerful. #1 and it’s not even close.
2. TIE – Empire Strikes Back and A New Hope
– Yes I know listing a TIE is incredibly weak but after wrestling with it I just couldn’t justify listing either as the worst movie of the OT. Both are too good but I also couldn’t justify listing one over the other so here we are. A New Hope is the original, the one that got this whole thing started so to say it’s the worst is a crime. Awesome opener with Vader immediately established as THE bad mfer, intro to Leia/R2D2/C3PO, intro to Luke, intro to Obi Wan, Luke finds his family killed by the Empire, intro to Han and Chewie, the Millenium Falcon, destruction of Alderaan, rescue of Princess Leia, death of Obi Wan, Luke uses the force to destroy the Death Star. Just great. But even I forgot what a great movie it was, I always had it between Empire and Jedi for the best.
– Empire Strikes Back seems to be the consensus pick for best movie and that has always annoyed me. Seemed like just because it ended with the bad guys winning everyone loved it. The opening on Hoth is fn awesome and everything on Cloud City is great but in between that there is not much good. The stuff with Yoda on Dagobah is fine but not on par with Jedi or even A New Hope. Not a fan of the stuff with Han/Leia and the Millenium Falcon before they get to Cloud City. But once they get there it kicks up into high gear. Intro to Lando, the betrayal, Han into carbonite, Luke arrives, Luke vs Vader I, the “I am your Father” reveal, Luke’s rescue, and the start of the plan to rescue Han. Really great stuff. The “I am your Father” reveal cannot be understated, it is probably the most shocking moment in movie history. And it is a moment us of the internet generation cannot truly appreciate like the previous generation, they had no clue what was coming. That moment is why I couldn’t list it as the worst, it’s so monumental it would be wrong.
– So that is why I had to put them together at #2, both are too awesome to be last. A New Hope might be better start to finish but it doesn’t have the big moments Empire does, so it’s a TIE.
3. Revenge of the Sith
Easily the best of the prequels and it is really not even close. Finally we got some great action with none of the kiddie, cartoony bullshit that plagued the first 2 movies. Hayden Christenson had the cuffs taken off to put in a great performance. Ewan McGregor matched him with one of his own. The things that really bring down this movie are the awful writing and CGI. “Hey Anakin, turn to the Dark Side and i’ll teach you to save people from death.” “Ok, done.” “Oh, now, about that power, I don’t actually know how to use it but together I think we can figure it out!” “Sounds like a plan.” Melts my fn brain. So he turns on the Jedi, slaughters younglings, goes against everything he knows and was taught so that he can become study buddies with Palpatine!?!?!? Give me a fn break. George Lucas needed to provide an ironclad, solid reason as to why he would go to such extremes and he failed miserably. The explanation is so weak you cannot suspend disbelief, just awful lazy writing. All George Lucas cared about was playing around with his precious CGI and that’s all he accomplished. Hope he enjoyed it because he ruined his movies and legacy because of it. It’s kind of funny that as George Lucas got better technology his effects got worse and more fake looking. That said I still enjoy this movie, Anakin vs Obi Wan is a good duel but it could have been really great without the ridiculous CGI fighting. Not even gonna get into the “NOOOOOO” from Darth Vader because it disgusts/pisses me off too much but really, everyone wanted to see Darth Vader landing in the middle of a battle and showing why he is the most feared villain in the Galaxy. Instead we got….
4. The Phantom Menace
I get it, everyone loathes this movie and is the consensus worst of them all but I think it’s closer to a perfect Star Wars movie than people realize. Jar Jar is indeed awful and the writing for Anakin was not good but outside of that it’s pretty damn good. Liam Neeson as a fn Jedi automatically disqualifies this from the worst, he was awesome as Qui-Gon. Pod Race was really good and led to 1 of the greatest N64 games of all time. Jar Jar was shit but I like the Gungans and their cool earth globe weapon things. Darth fn Maul, what a huge mistake to kill him off. I wanted them to use him in Palpatine’s plan to turn Anakin, tell Anakin he has the power and then bring in ”Darth Maul” as proof. Is it a clone or the real thing? Would’ve allowed Maul to stick around, strengthened the explanation of Anakin’s turn and given them a better villain than Dooku or Grievous who were garbage. Despite his early death he was so awesome, Darth Maul vs Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan is fucking great and right up there with Luke vs Vader. Having Anakin “accidentally” save the day actually pisses me off more than Jar Jar. Would have been much better if he decided he had the skills to help and went up there on his own. Make the target deep in a ship that no pilot could possibly navigate to, except of course for Darth fn Vader. Wouldn’t have been weak to have a kid save the day since that kid is Anakin Skywalker. But of course they had him do it by accident complete with mind numbingly cringe worthy dialogue. Gotta feel for Jake Lloyd, def not his fault. So while it does have its faults, I challenge anyone that says it’s the worst. Change Jar Jar’s character and the space battle from lame to cool, don’t kill off Darth Maul and you have 1 kickass Star Wars movie.
5. Attack of the Clones
The less said about this abomination the better. The CGI is so bad at the end it wouldn’t even be fit for a video game. CGI is all bad but especially worse at the end. Dooku is a horrid villain. The dialogue they gave Hayden Christenson is just wow. This should have been called The Clone Wars and been all about the adventures of Anakin and Obi Wan, so we would have had more appreciation for what Obi Wan was talking about in A New Hope. But no let’s just skip the entire Clone Wars and focus on politics and bullshit. I loathe this piece of crap. Nothing good happens, this is an awful awful movie.
So that’s the list. Obviously it’s subjective but I feel confident to say it’s the proper order haha what I wouldn’t give to put my own spin on the prequels but alas I’ll have to settle for dragging the positives out of these. Love every one of the Originals so at the very least I always have those. What a blessing to have the Star Wars journey continue with Episode VII, hopefully this attracts an entire new generation to come along on the Star Wars journey. From trailers and what reports we have, this is going to be an awesome movie that will blow the prequels out of the water. I truly hope so, we deserve a great one. Will be interesting to see where VII lands after the dust settles. Either way we have a new Star Wars movie coming and I couldn’t be more excited.
May the Force be with you!
