A LOOK AT THE HEROIN DIARIES
Just finished reading ‘The Heroin Diaries’ by Nikki Sixx and WOW what a fcking incredible read that was. For those not aware, Nikki Sixx is the bassist for Motley Crue 1 of the biggest metal bands of all time. Motley Crue were known as much for their chaos and debauchery as they were for their music so it prob isn’t a surprise to learn that Nikki Sixx developed a heroin addiction. Lots of other drugs too but nothing took hold of Nikki’s life and lead him towards destruction like heroin. In the midst of all the madness of the heavy metal rock life and addiction, Nikki still had the presence of mind to do something that probably saved his life. Actually not probably, it fucking did save his life, then and later. Nikki started keeping a diary that he would write in daily to capture his thoughts, both sober and fucked up. What a fascinating look into addiction that was, when he was using you could see how his demons were influencing his thoughts like wanting his friend to try heroin bc he thinks ‘he would like it and hey that’s my friend!’ Pretty intense to read.
Now I know this is not the type of book that most people would think a Christian would read but for me I love to look for God working in the most unlikely places and it doesn’t get more unlikely than Motley Crue lol but after reading the book, I understand why God drove me to read it and it is pretty incredible to see how God was working to use Nikki Sixx. I don’t know if you could call me a Motley Crue fan, I like their big singles but never went deep into their catalogue, metal is not my thing. But I guess I was always fascinated by the antics and Tommy Lee was 1 of the biggest pop culture names of the 90’s after marrying Pamela Anderson and having their sex tape illegally released. I read Tommy Lee’s book and loved it so when I heard that there was a movie called The Dirt about the band, I had to see it. Awesome movie and my friend told me about the book Nikki Sixx wrote that was his diary from a year of a heroin addiction. I was seriously intrigued so she lent me the book and I was engrossed in it right from the start.
It’s basically an oral history of his addiction as we get the diary entries plus comments from Nikki and a host of people that were relevant to that particular entry. Loved that aspect bc it really helped with the world building and getting a better picture of what was happening. It was very interesting sometimes to see the contrast between what Nikki would write in the diary compared to the comments from people that were there. I noticed that Nikki would talk a lot about his faults in the diary but excluded most of the bullying type of behaviour others would talk about in their comments. I attribute that to his demons not wanting him to write things down that might lead to a change in behaviour for the better and reading about yourself bullying people over and over could bring on a ‘what am I doing’ moment. But one of the bigger things I noticed was that even when he was fucked up, he did not want to do the drugs. Over and over he would talk about not wanting to do them, wanting to be free of them. When he was sober he would talk about how good it felt and that he never wanted to go down the junkie road again. But there were unimaginable wounds from his upbringing like being abandoned by his Father and at times his Mother and the drugs were what kept that pain away. But drugs are destroyers and they were slowly destroying Nikki and everything he had worked for. It’s like his soul, the good part of him that was left was hanging on by a thread just screaming for help but his demons relentlessly worked to quiet that voice so all that was left was his addiction. Really taught me more about demons and how they manifest themselves through negative behaviour and basically take over your life. It’s your voice but it’s not really you. My brother was in a rehab facility trying to pray and he said that as he prayed, he heard a voice in his head mocking him as he prayed. He said it was his voice but he knew it wasn’t him. Demons aren’t just another word for addiction or negative behaviour, they are unfortunately very real and will try to kill you long before your body dies.
Nikki’s addiction eventually led to an overdose that had him dead until they brought him back at the last second. I thought it was incredible that his connection to his fans saved his life as the paramedics were about to give up and call it when 2 fans hysterically begged them to keep trying so they gave it 1 more shot and that’s when they got him back. You see through all drugs and chaos and sex, there was music and energy that other troubled souls needed to connect to and that’s how God was using Nikki. The devil meant for Nikki’s career to be evil but God eventually turned it around and used it for good. I don’t think anyone would call Motley Crue ‘Godly music’ but their music reached millions of fans worldwide and the rebellious spirit in all of us gravitates towards music like that. Now bc of that connection, Nikki has been able to help so many of those millions that struggle with their own addictions or troubled upbringing or whatever, they see their hero Nikki Sixx bare his soul and reveal that he thinks the same thoughts they do or have. He has been to the same places and worse. Nikki had to crawl through a river of shit but he came out clean on the others side. You can too.
As crazy as it sounds, I also believe that God was using the debauchery and chaos as a tool to help save people. You see I always said my brother was the perfect person to work with troubled youth bc none of them could look at him and say that he didn’t know what it was like. He had done all the same drugs and had even watched his friend murdered so ya those kids had to listen. I think it’s kind of similar with Nikki Sixx in that if he could do all that he did, sin after sin and be saved by Jesus and come out clean on the other side than anyone could. All those fans that might have thought their past was too fucked up to change or be saved could now look at Nikki Sixx and have hope. All that celebrity Motley Crue acquired, all those connections to fans is now saving lives and helping people become the best versions of themselves. They saved him and he saved them. If Nikki hadn’t sunk to the depths he did, there would be people thinking they were too far gone to come back. But you can always come back.
Your heart breaks after he kicks heroin the first time but then relapses and slowly sinks back into the addiction. But man what a triumph his recovery became, loved hearing about his reignited passions for photography and music. He was not only helping Motley fans but helping the subjects of his photography. The story in the book of Farrah who met Nikki as a prostitute for the initial shoot and met him later for an update having left the prostitute life behind and was now enrolled in college. I’m not gonna go into details about it, i’ll let people pick up the book and read for themselves bc it is an incredible story and 1 of my fav in the book. What he did for her is his purpose on this earth, to help those in the depths of a hell they are drowning in. I have so much respect for Nikki somehow managing to use his free will to go from the worst version of himself to the best. Most that go through what he did with family don’t get as close to the best version of themselves as Nikki did but more will thanks to this book and his music.
Me and Nikki Sixx couldn’t be more opposite when it comes to how we were raised and our life experiences but I really felt like I related to him. Maybe it was creatively. Maybe it was that we kinda think the same way. Not sure how to put it but I felt I understood where he was coming from on a different level. His other band Sixx AM kicks ass and I’m loving what I’ve heard so far. Really happy that I read this book. I have never put rockstars on a pedestal like some fans do, I always thought the lifestyle of drugs n destruction was fn stupid and a huge waste of time and talent. Everyone in my generation thought Slash was so cool for being able to shred the guitar while being trashed out of his mind while I was just frustrated thinking that if he was this good like that, then how good would he be on nothing more than cannabis. It was good to see Nikki come to the realization that he left a lot of greatness on the table bc of the drugs and alcohol. I didn’t read the book for all the crazy stories but can’t lie, I did enjoy reading them lol I read it to try and see if I could find God in it and I absolutely did.
So thankful that Nikki had the courage to release this book bc by not changing what he wrote, he gave an authentic view of addiction that other addicts can see and know he is coming from a place of truth. Seeing the thoughts they think themselves when high or when trying to get clean from 1 of the biggest rockers ever shows them that they are not alone and loneliness is a killer so it can’t be understated how important that is. It would have been so easy to edit some of the stuff in here bc there is some pretty fucked up shit but he had the guts to put it all out there and like I said earlier, it provides the example that no matter how far you fall you can always come back. And once you come back, let it all go. Everything that you were carrying, it doesn’t belong to you anymore, it belongs to the past and we don’t fucking live there.
You really get a sense of the change Nikki has gone through when he says that the Nikki Sixx that he was for most of his life and that wrote the diary would have hated his guts today but my fav quote from the book, “Truth be told, I’ll out rock that little bastard any day of the week” LOL fck that made me laugh but I was so happy that he was able to have that kind of strength. You’re rooting for him the entire book but by his overdose you’re almost wondering how he was still around to write this book, esp after reading about his continued struggles in the years after the Heroin Diaries were released. But then you read the paragraph about Nikki finally “finding himself” in the desert in Arizona and was able to finally get control of his addiction. I almost lost my brother to addiction so I love reading stories about people getting control of their addiction but even more, I love reading about former addicts reaching back to try and help others. Addicts need someone to relate to, part of why so many people turn to drugs is that they feel alone, like nobody understands them. I don’t ever want to read another story about someone that died from addiction but the problem is worse than ever. That’s why this book had such an impact on me, bc I know that it can help the people that really need it. It can speak to them in a different way than anyone else can.
Worst thing about finishing a great book is that to you, it’s this huge event you want to talk about but unless someone has read it too, you just gotta sit on your thoughts bc nobody knows what you’re talking about lol so I had to write about this and vent some thoughts bc this was too good and important not to talk about. I pray for strength to Nikki Sixx so that he can continue his journey of family, sobriety, art and helping people. I pray for all those that struggle with addiction and troubled upbringing, that they find Jesus through whatever avenue is necessary so they can let it all go. The Heroin Diaries ended up being a pretty great avenue to Jesus, def wasn’t expecting that.
